The Pixi Stix Caper
by Sullen Kitty
Summary: ON HIATUS. What happens when the cast of TMM get together and someone steals Kei's Pixi Stix? WARNING: Sex changes and homosexuality abound in fruitful randomness.
1. In which I introduce you to everyone!

**In this fanfiction, we realize that writing ffs is not only fun, it's educational and helps spread awareness of PSD (Pixi Stix Disease)**

**This is only the intro to the Pixi Stix Caper.**

**I do not own Tokyo Mew Mew, but Mia Ikumi lives in my basement and she says hi. Again.**

Chapter One: Introduction, or What Happens When Ichigo Eats Pixi Stix

Sahra: BWAHAHAHAHA! I'M BACK FROM MY STAY IN THE GOBI DESERT!

Kelse: How was it?

Sahra: Snowy. And awfully cold, too.

Kelse: Oh, that's nice. Were there hot springs?

Sahra: Yeah, they were all warm.

Kelse: Cool. How'd you get here?

Sahra: On the back of a giant flying monkey-whale-cucumber-sea-anemone thing.

Kelse: Makes sense. That's the only logical way you could've gotten back, anyway.

Sahra: Yup.

Ichigo walks in.

Ichigo: OH MY GOD NOT YOU AGAIN!

Sahra: Happy to see me?

Kish comes in.

Kish: NOOOOO! STAY AWAY YOU EVIL LAPTOP-CARRYING PERSON!

Sahra: Aw, you guys! I feel so loved! You know what, we should all sit in a circle and sing kumbayah!

Kish & Ichigo: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Sahra: Then let's do the Macarena to disco music! With everyone else, of course.

Everyone magically poofs into a room that has a disco ball and multicolored lights twirling in it. The music goes on and everyone starts doing the Macarena.

Everyone but Sahra and Kelse: AAAAAH! NO! WE'LL EVEN SIT IN A CIRCLE AND SING KUMBAYAH! JUST MAKE IT STOP!

Sahra: But I thought you didn't want to do that.

Ichigo & Kish: WE LIED! JUST MAKE THE HORRIBLENESS GO AWAY!

Everything stops. Everyone starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Person: I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

Other person: OH MY GOD! IT WAS SO SCARY… HOLD ME MASAYA!

Some person: ICHIGO MY DARLING COME COMFORT ME!

Guess Who: TAR TAR! I WAS SO SCARED!

Obvious Person: HELP I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A MONKEY!

Seriously: NO! BRING IT BACK! THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

Sahra & Ryou: OH MY GOD SHUT UP!

Everything gets all quiet.

Sahra: Anyway, guess what time it is?

Keiichiro (being disturbingly hyper because he ate all of Ryou's Pixi Stix last night because he thought they were sporks but when he found out they were sugar he ate them anyway): What time is it, Sahra? Or if you speak backwards, Arhas ti si emit tahw? Or if you speak Nonsense, Oolkijway'tin cummerbund alekto chichichi? Or-

Sahra: The first one was fine.

Keiichiro: What time is it, Sahra?

Sahra: IT'S TIME FOR KISH BASHING!

Kish: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kelse: But Kish is so cool!

Ichigo (being all hyper because she stole a ton of Pixi Stix out of Keiichiro's pocket and ate them): Muffins! Yes, my friends, muffins are what makes the world go round! And bacon, too! A B C D E F – F! FRENCH FRIES! YEAH! LET'S GO TO KFC! (starts singing very badly) KENTUCK-AY! FRIED-AY! CHICKEN-AY!

Everyone tries desperately hard to ignore her.

Ichigo: AND I'M LETTING EVERYONE KNOW NOW THAT IF YOU GUYS EVEN TRY TO EAT A PIECE OF BREAD AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU! THOSE SLICES OF FLUFFY GOODNESS HAVE BRAINS, YA KNOW! AND DON'T EAT MARSHMALLOWS EITHER! OR MUFFINS! OR PLASTIC CUPS! OR DOLPHINS! OR PIXI STIX OTHERWISE YOU'LL END UP LIKE ME – DISTURBINGLY HAPPY AND SCARY!

Keiichiro: HEY! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STOLE MY PIXI STIX!

Ichigo: YEAH, I AM! BUT I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE FIRST I TRIED TO EAT LUCKY CHARMS, BUT THE LEPRECHAUN DUDE TOOK THEM AWAY AND TOLD ME TO EAT SOMETHING MAGICALLY DELICIOUS, SO I TOOK YOUR PIXI STIX BECAUSE THEY LOOKED SO SUGARIFFIC!

Ryou: There's no such word as "sugariffic".

Keiichiro: YOU TAKE THAT CONSTORTEDABULANATEDCHINGCHING WORD BACK RIGHT NOW, RYOU! DON'T INSULT MY NEW BEST FRIEND!

Ryou: Um…. Sorry?

Ichigo: That's okay, bossman. (flies up to the ceiling and starts laughing uncontrollably) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sahra: Why am I having deja-vu?

Kelse: 'Cause this is from Mary Poppins. Now everything is gonna start floating.

Everything starts floating.

Sahra: Now look! You jinxed us!

Ichigo: (chewing on an apple that she found in a watermelon grove 22 years into the future) BUT NOW KEI-KUN CAN FLY! HE CAN KEEP ME COMPANY!

Keiichiro: (singing) LET'S GO FLY A KITE! UP…………..

Sahra: Next time, will everything stop floating? Will Keiichiro stop being hyper? Will this fic get less random? NO! But tune in next time to find out about the rest!


	2. In which the Caper begins

Chapter Two: The Real Caper, or Playing Clue Jr.

Setting: Early morning at a random shrine that everyone had a sleepover at last night.

Keiichiro: OH MY GOD!

Everyone rushes in to find the pastry maker staring at his stripey PJs in horror.

Sahra: (yawn) What is it, Keiichiro?

Keiichiro: It's….. my…… they…… MY PIXI STIX ARE GONE! THEY MUST HAVE BEEN STOLEN IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT BY A PERSON DRESSED IN ALL BLACK WITH MANY OTHER CLICHED THINGS HAPPENING!

DA DA DUM……..!

Everyone: GASP!

Ichigo: Who could commit such a terrible crime? Pixi Stix are the only thing in life worth living for!

Masaya: (glare)

Ichigo: Besides you, Masaya.

Masaya: (smile)

Mint: Well, I'm not sticking around if Pixi Stix thieves are around! (starts hugging her blankie and whimpering)

Ryou: NO ONE IS GETTING NEAR MY PIXI STIX! (lunges for his dresser and shoves a fistful of Stix into his mouth)

Sahra: WILL EVERYONE PLEASE BE QUIET!

Everyone: …………………

Sahra: Thank you. Now, nobody is going to have their Pixi Stix stolen. Trust me when I say that I know who the thief is.

Everyone: WHO?

Keiichiro: PLEASE, SAHRA! WHO IS THE COMMITER OF THIS TERRIBLE CRIME? WHO STOLE MY PIXI STIX!

Sahra: Calm down, Keiichiro. You're making no sense. Well, you kinda are, but…. you get my drift. (unwraps 8 Pixi Stix and shoves them into her mouth)

Ryou: Hey, Where'd you get the Pixi Stix?

Sahra: (ignores the blonde and twitches) The question is, am I right? Do I truly know who stole those Pixi Stix from Keiichiro last night? It could have been…. YOU! (points at Ichigo)

Ichigo: (shaking uncontrollably) I swear to Cat it wasn't me! I would never steal Pixi Stix from an innocent person!

Sahra: DO YOU HAVE AN ALIBI FOR LAST NIGHT THAT CAN BE VERIFIED BY ANOTHER PERSON HERE!

Ichigo: (still shaking) Um…… well, if you really want to know, I was cheating on Masaya with Ryou! We went to the movies last night!

Everyone: GASP!

Masaya: HOW COULD YOU ICHIGO! I LOVED YOU!

Ryou: Actually, she's been cheating on you for…. (counts on his fingers) oh, about 6 months.

Everyone: GASPETH!

Sahra: So it's not you….. is it YOU! (points at Kish)

Kish: (flinch) Well, even though I am really hot and everyone loves me –

Sahra: Get to the point.

Kish: - I didn't do it. I was with Mint, my cute little Blue Lory.

Mint: (blush)

Everyone: OMG! MINT, YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH KISH?

Mint: Yeah, so what if I am?

Ichigo: We're happy for you.

Mint: Oh. PIXI STIX FOR EVERYONE!

Everyone: YAYNESS!


	3. In which Ichigo foams at the mouth

**Chappie Three! Let's be happy! Um, ew, that was a terrible poem**.

Sahra: We have now deduced that it was neither Mint, Ryou, Ichigo, or Kish that stole Keiichiro's Pixi Stix. But…… KEIICHIRO COULD HAVE STOLEN THE PIXI STIX FROM HIMSELF IN A SUDDEN, RANDOM BOUT OF EVIL GENIUS HYPERNESS!

Everyone: GASP! KEIICHIRO, IS THIS TRUE?

Keiichiro: I SWEAR TO THE PASTRY MAKING GODS THAT I DIDN'T STEAL MY OWN PRECIOUS SUGARY GOODNESS! I-

Sahra: Just don't tell me that you and… oh, say, Zakuro…. Went out on a date last night… That would be too many Mew Mews with unlikely people….

Zakuro: Fine, we won't tell you. (kisses Keiichiro)

Everyone: (faint)

Sahra: (rubs head) That was too much… I think my brain is going to explode….. (takes out a Pixi Stick and eats it.)

Ichigo: Hey, where'd you get the-

Sahra: (punches Ichigo before she can finish her sentence.)

Ichigo: (KO'd!)

Ryou: Um, Ichigo? Are you okay?

Ichigo: (foaming at the mouth)

Ryou: Um… okay, then… (edges away from his sick-looking girlfriend)

Sahra: (ignoring the near-death Ichigo) Okay, so what about Lettuce? Where were you last night? Watching Keiichiro sleep in his stripey pajamas as you pilfered his perfect Pixi Stix? Hmmm?

Lettuce: I was at the library. If you go on the computer, you can go on  type in Alpha Beta #2, click on Section Z1200, go to Kyoto Public Library-

Sahra: NO! THE TECHNICAL-FILLED EVILNESS! MY BRAIN! HELP ME! (eats another Stick)

Random Rock: Sahra, where'd you get the- (is smashed by a foot that looks suspiciously like Sahra's)

Sahra: Whew, that was close. Anyway, I'll try to update soon….. only one reviewer, so yay to Yokie! (cheers and gives her a plushie)


	4. In which nothing happens and we forget

**I guess you wanted more, so here's chappie four! YAY! (hits self) DAMMIT! YOU CAN'T RHYME SO SHUT UP!**

**Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING BUT MYSELF! MWAHAHAHAHA!**

**Chappie Four: In Which Randomness Insues and We Forget About The Task At Hand! YAY RANDOM THINGS!**

Sahra: Okay…. After that LOVELY time we had trying to get Ichigo to stop dying, I have decided to stop beating her and beat Masaya instead because I have conveniently tied him to a chair that oh-so-coincidentally happens to be right next to me. Hehe….

Ichigo: NO! DON'T HURT HIM! EVEN THOUGH I CHEATED ON HIM I STILL….

Ryou: (evil icy voice of ultimate break-up-ness and doom) You still what, Ichigo?

Ichigo: (sweat) Um…….. I still like him a little.

Ryou: (with evil scary death voice) WHAAAAAT? HOW COULD YOU LIKE THAT PANSY?

Ichigo: HEY, HE LOOKS GOOD WHEN HE'S IN HIS BLUE KNIGHT SHORTSHORTS! AND HE GAVE ME PIXI STIX! UNLIKE _SOME_ONE WHO KEEPS THEM LOCKED IN A SWISS VAULT!

Ryou: You know what? You suck! I've got a new girlfriend, anyway.

Ichigo: (looking very cute with watery chibi eyes) Y-y-y-you were cheating on me? With who?

Ryou: (walks over to Sahra and ((hee hee!)) kisses her) With Sahra! She's the only girl worth living for!

Sahra: (lost in the moment) Oh, Ryou! You're the only guy worth living for!

Keiichiro: COULD WE PLEASE GET BACK TO FINDING OUT WHO STOLE MY PIXI STIX!

Sahra: Ahehehe… Sorry, Kei-kun. We'll do that now.

Sahra: Unfortunately, my timer has run out! (gives plushies to Yokie, kimberley and Fay) THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING! NOW TELL YOUR FRIENDS! (group hug) I love you guys… (sniffle) Sorry this chappie wasn't that long, I'll try to lengthen them.


	5. In which Lettuce and Pai dye er, die

**Chapter Five! I'm hip to the jive! (smacks self with a 12-ton plushie of DOOM) YOU CAN'T RHYME! YOU'RE NOT THE NEW POE SO SHUT UP!**

**Chapter Five: In Which Pai Dyes… I Mean, Dies.**

Sahra: All reetie baked zeetie! We've gone through almost all the characters now…. Did we do Pai yet? I don't think so…. I'm losing track…. But if we did, we'll just accuse him again! AHEM! (cough hack choke brings up furball) Eeeeeew…. PAI! DID YOU STEAL KEI-KUN'S PIXI STIX OF AWESOME SUGARY GOODNESS?

Pai: No. Did you?

Sahra: (sweat) NO! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME! WHERE WERE YOU?

Pai: On the spaceship with an alien hooker. Not. I was at the library with Lettuce – who, by the way, I am –

Sahra: - going out with!

Pai: (nods)

Everyone but Lettuce and Pai: (anime fall)

Pai: Where were you?

Sahra dumps a conveniently placed bucket of red hair dye onto the alien's already lavender 'do.

Lettuce: NO! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! IT TOOK ME HOURS TO FIND THE RIGHT SHAMPOO FOR HIM THAT WOULDN'T HURT HIS DELICATE SKIN! WHY…….. (falls to the ground and begins sobbing about eggs)

Sahra dumps another conveniently placed bucket of (this time orange) hair dye onto (this time) Lettuce's already green 'do.

Pai: NO! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BRAID THAT FREAKING HAIR? DO YOU! (falls to the ground crying about how nobody understands how tough life is for sporks)

Sahra: Pai, get a life. (waves her magic spork and sends Lettuce and Pai to Las Vegas)

In Vegas:

Priest Tom Ato: You may kiss the bride.

Lettuce: WHEEEEEE!

Pai and Lettuce begin making out.

Back in the random shriney-place that this takes place in:

Sahra: (wipes brow) Well, those two are gone… THANK GAWD!

Ichigo: Sahra, when the heck is this story gonna be over?

Sahra: Unfortunately, soon…..

Sahra: Sorry it took so long for me to update! (gives many plushies to reviewers) Oh, and if you see that review by "ThisIsYourSister…..Duh!" on this story, it is my sister, she wants you to read it, and she is so freaking annoying! SHE MUST DIE! (shoots her with a rocket launcher) Dammit, mom and dad will kill me if they find out I killed her again….. (reverses the effect of rocket launcher)

Sister Person: WAH! MOMMY!

Sahra: (ducktapes her to a chair and throws it into the Hudson River)


	6. In which many strange things happen

**Chappie Six, in which I whack people with sticks! (smacks self with stick) Goddammit….**

Chapter Six: In which Things happen that cannot be rationally explained

Sahra: Alright! Um….. TART! Did we do him yet? No? Okay! TART! (points a Pixi Stick at the shrimp of an alien) Did you steal Keiichiro's Pixi Stix?

Tart: Nope! I don't really like them…

Shuichi: YOU FLIPPING BLASPHEMER! DIE! (takes Rage's 'Panda of Love' and kills him)

Eiri: SHUICHI, YOU JERK! GET BACK HERE!

Shuichi runs off.

Ichigo: -.-;; That was weird….

Ryou: I don't care. (gives Ichigo the hot death glare of DOOM)

Ichigo: WAAAAAAAAAAH! Ryon-Ryon doesn't care about me… (runs away crying)

Lettuce: (who is somehow back from Vegas with newly-dyed orange hair) Ichigo-san! WAIT! (runs after Ichigo)

Sahra: LET'S GET BACK ON TRACK!

Ryoko: Do it or else I'll murder you. (waves sword threateningly)

Sahra: Yeah! Do it or she'll murder you… wait… How'd you get here?

Megumi: CAPTAIN, GET BACK HERE! WE NEED HELP WITH THE ZOMBIES!

Ryoko: (sigh) (runs off)

Sahra: (slaps head) God is this annoying… (whacks Masaya with a stick, as he is still tied to that oh-so-conveniently placed chair)

Masaya: OWW! What was that for?

Sahra: For ruining my life with your evil cursed treehugger-ness, you idiot! DUH!

Ichigo: (runs back weilding a large hammer) DON'T YOU EVER HURT MY MASAYA! DIE! (smashes Sahra's head in)

Ryou: (runs up wielding a large bowl of catnip) DON'T YOU EVER HURT MY SAHRA! SUCK ON THIS, CRACKHEAD CAT! (dumps abnormally large bowl of catnip onto the panting Ichigo)

Ichigo: YES! (begins rolling around in the catnip and eating it)

Sahra: (with a somehow not smashed-in head) Thanks, Ryou. You rock.

Ryou: (in very cool surfer-dude tones) Dude. (walks away)

Keiichiro: So WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BEAUTIFUL PIXI STIX?

Sahra: We'll get to that the next chapter.

Keiichiro: (falls to the ground sobbing) NOOOOOOOOO!

Sahra: Thank you to all of my lovely reviewers! And Pai knows that life is hard for sporks because he used to be one. (smile smile smile)


	7. In which some stuff happens on a plane

_**My friend Adreienne guest-stars in this lovely chappie!**_

**Chapter Seven, Which rhymes with eleven! (cheers and makes happy faces)**

**Chapter Seven: In which we ride on a plane to an unknown, mysterious place that starts with M and ends in issouri**

Sahra: As you may have noticed, I actually didn't abuse myself when I rhymed. That would be because I prefer to abuse Masaya who is, as usual, tied up next to next to me on a lovely wooden chair... that I can burn! (laughs)

Masaya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sahra: (does an Indian dance around the presently burning Masaya)

Ichigo: (tied up in a corner by Sahra and sobbing at the sight of her ex dying in a pool of fiery DOOMNESS)

Keiichiro: SAHRA! IT'S BEEN SEVEN CHAPTERS ALREADY AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T FOUND MY DARLING PIXI STIX! I'M STARTING TO HAVE SERIOUS DOUBTS IN YOUR DETECTIVE ABILITIES!

Pai: ...as you should have from the very beginning... (goes over to a random city and visits his spork relatives)

Ryou: (huff) So, have you discovered the whereabouts of Keiichiro's beloved Pixi Stix?

Sahra: Um... YES I HAVE!

Keiichiro: WHERE ARE MY LOVELIES?

Mint: Yeah, Ms. Detective, where?

Sahra: They're... they're... they're... IN MISSOURI!

Cast of TMM: (in scary cartoon unison) MISSOURI?

Lettuce: How on earth did they get there?

Sahra: UM... a bunch of evil ninjas stole them from poor Keiichiro while he was sleeping!

Kish: And you know this exactly how?

Sahra: I HAVE MOB CONNECTIONS!

Silence.

SFX: (cricket cricket)

Narrator: And so, our psychotic heros end up in a plane bound for Missouri!

Pudding: (looking out of the window) Wow, na no da! Would you look at that!

Lettuce: What, Pudding?

Pudding: A person on a flying skateboard with pink heart-shaped balloons attatched, na no da!

Mint: Yeeeeeaaaah, Pudding, that's reeeeaaaally gonna happen... (whispers to Kish) Did you let her eat Captain Crunch again?

Kish: (looks out window) (gasps) OHMIGOD, SHE WAS RIGHT!

Sahra: (looking out the window) Oh, look at that! It's my friend Adrienne!

Tart: ...your friend Adrienne can fly...?

Sahra: Well, duh, Tart, she IS on a super awesome skateboard. DUH!

Tart: ...

SFX: BANG!

Sahra: That must be Adrienne coming in through the roof.

SFX: CRASH!

Adrienne: Hi, there! I saw you looking out the window at me! Are you insanely jealous of my awesome skateboard or what?

Sahra: (nods) (in a spooky voice to Ichigo) IN THIS WORLD... THE SKATEBOARD HOLDS ALL THE POWER...

Ichigo: (twitches spastically before eating a Pixi Stick)

Sahra: This is totally gorgeous! Tres bon!

Adrienne: ...I take Italian...

Sahra: Very good!

Adrienne: Oh. YAY! (looks out window) AH! PEGASUS! MUST DIE! (hops out of a random, open window onto a doglion ((pronounced dog-LEE-on)) and flies out of sight after a silver jet)

Keiichiro: (buries face in hands) WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?

Sahra: The conclusion of our Trip to Missouri will be in the next chappie! Stay tuned!

_To My Lovely Reviewers:_

_I would highly appreciate it if you would ever so kindly... SUGGEST RANDOM THINGS! (laughs maniacally) _

_No, I am not running out of ideas, but I think you guys should help me conclude our adventures in Missouri... this conclusion, however, will NOT be the end of the story. I love it far too much to let it end in Missouri._

_Thanks, you guys!_

_Sahra_


	8. In which Elvis is Elvish and Ninjas Come

_My dad actually guest-stars in this chapter. Yes, he gave me permission to do what I do to him. Ahehe._

_There's a couple quotes from songs and movies in here… I know they're not mine. _

_Disclaimer: The stuff in quotes doesn't belong to Sahra, it belongs to other people/places/things/other nouns._

**Chapter Eight! You'd Better Appreciate!**

**Chapter Eight: In which our Trip to Missouri is continued, and Elvis is Elvis**

Sahra: Okie-dokie! We are still on our fanbloodytastic plane ride to Missouri and Keiichiro is getting VERY DESPERATE.

Keiichiro: (twitches and chews on seat belt strap)

Sahra: Exactly.

Zakuro: You know, Sahra, I really don't think you know where the Pixi Stix are.

Sahra: Well excuse me, Mrs. Doubting Potato Salad With Cream Cheesey Goodnosity, for weighing every possible lead. Maybe I already HAVE found Keiichiro's Pixi Stix!

Ryou: That's why we're going to Missouri, DUH.

Sahra: That's beside the point.

Ryou: That IS the point.

Sahra: No it isn't. My point is that I totally know where the Pixi Stix are, and nothing will stand in the way of me finding them!

SFX: THUD!

Pudding: 'Cept mebbe that.

SFX: CRASH KABOOM BANG SHWOOM!

Pudding: An' all of those loud noises.

All of a sudden and suddenly, ninjas wearing My Little Pony ninja outfits come out and start ninja-ing.

Head Ninja Dude: I am the head ninja dude! You must come with us or face the consequences!

Ryou: (snobbish air) Why would we come with you psycho freaks who have no sense of style when we have our OWN style-challenged mates? (indicates Lettuce, who is wearing an orange Halloween shirt and red-white-and-blue 4th of July pants with purple stripey socks and an antler headband that lights up )

Head Ninja Dude: True, true, I would like nothing more than to give that girl a makeover, BUT I HAVE A JOB TO DO! LESSER NINJA DUDES, COOLIOAWESOME FORMATION OF FABBY FAB FABNESS!

The ninjas do ridiculously stupid motions in slow-mo. Half are on one side of the plane, half on the other. ((How are they doing all these things on a tiny plane? You tell me.))

Right Half: COME ON BARBIE, LET'S GO PARTY!

Left Half: OOH-OH OH, OOH-OH OH!

Ichigo: (twitches spastically) Damn are they annoying.

Mint: Have you LOOKED in the mirror lately, you screwball cat?

Ichigo: (watery chibi eyes)

Random Ninja: (clubs Ichigo over the head with a VERY heavy feather)

Ichigo: (is knocked out by the force of the stupendously powerful feather)

Everyone: (is cowering in fear of the awesome feather) NO! SPARE ME!

Sahra: HAHAHAHAHA! (maniacal laughter) (is suddenly in a medieval outfit) THOU SHALT NOT FEAR THE POWER OF THE FEATHER!

Everyone Else: THEN WHAT SHALL WE COWER IN FEAR OF-ETH?

Sahra: OF MY AWESOME POWER! (giggles maniacally)

Head Ninja Dude: WHAT CAN YOU DO THAT I AND MY ALL-POWERFUL FEATHER CANNOT?

Sahra: I….. CAN SUMMON A MAGICAL PERSON! (waves magical spork-sword-thingy) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There is a huge flash, and a guy with a wand poofs in here out of nowhere.

Mint and Kish: HARRY POTTER?

Guy With Wand: Me? No, I'm Nigel Planter!

Sahra: OHMIGOD! You're his crap alter-ego freak from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy who's in love with that freaky chick Ferfeffeny Feffyfeff or something! But she's in love with that Darko dude!

Nigel: (sniffle) Did you really have to bring that up?

Sahra: Yes I did, because you are crap, unlike the REAL Harry whom I love ever so much.

Ryou: Sahra, you watch BILLY AND MANDY?

Sahra: When I'm BABYSITTING, dude!

Ryou: OK then.

Head Ninja Dude: CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK ON TRACK!

Keiichiro: YES! LET US FIND MY PIXI STIX!

Head Ninja Dude: YES! LET US KIDNAP YOU!

Random Sausage: YES! LET ME BE EATEN!

Tart: WHERE THE FRICK DID YOU COME FROM?

Random Sausage: (giggles insanely)

Pai: ….what does the random sausage find so funny….?

Random Sausage: (erupts into a bout of insane maniacal laughter)

Lettuce: …Now I'm all confused-eth…

Ryou: We aren't in medieval mode now, ditz.

Lettuce: Oh. Sorry-eth.

Ryou: (sighs)

Pai: Again. What does this random sausage dude find so funny?

Kish: I'll ask him. (addresses sausage) Squishy squish syyyyyyyyyyrup cutty cutty splasherooo Nicaragua?

Random Sausage: (looking as sausagely cute as can be) AH! You speak my language, one who is worthy of my time!

Mint: Did a BREAKFAST FOOD just diss me?

Random Ninja: Yes'm, the thingy did.

Mint: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH! DIE, SAUSAGE THINGY! (brings out a large rusty knifey-thinger)

Random Sausage: SAVE ME FROM THE RUSTY KNIFEY THINGER OF DOOMERNESS, OH ONE WHO SHOULD SAVE ME WITH GREEN HAIRED ELFISHNESS!

Kish: ….Did you just call me an elf?

Everyone Besides the Sausage and Kish: (runs away and hides behind a hotdog stand)

Random Sausage: I said you had elfishness. Definition – an elfish quality or qualities. Namely your odd elflike ears and the green hair and the fact that you can do magic.

Kish: (is not impressed by the sausage's vocabulary and suaveness) (shoots sausage in the face) (in deep Bond-like voice) No one accuses me of having elfishness and gets away with it.

Sausage: (dies)

Mint: (hugs Kish) Oh, Honey! You're the greatest!

Mint and Kish pretend to ride a motorcycle off into the backdrop sunset.

Keiichiro: GET A CLUE, YOU PEOPLE! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT MY PIXI STIX AT ALL?

Sahra: Of course we do, Kei, (starts singing and magically has a microphone) "but in case you haven't noticed, and in case you haven't heard, it's just me, against, the world – and the world is winning."

Ryou: Great use of Halo Friendlies there, Sahra.

Sahra: Thank you, dear.

Ryou: You're welcome.

Sahra: Oh, yeah. Hey, ninja dudes, weren't you in the middle of kidnapping us or something? I need to get this chapter over with so I can continue the story in a more random, chapter-filled way.

Head Ninja Dude: Hey, you're right. Thanks.

Sahra: No problemo, captor.

Nigel Planter: (has asthma attack) (forgot his inhaler) (dies)

Random Ninja: (points to the ugly acne boy's corpse) Hey, Boss, watcha want me to do with this ugly guy's body?

Head Ninja Dude: Hm… Bring it with you! We can torture the dead body!

All Ninjas: YAY! CORPSE TORTURING!

Mint: (sweatdrop) Okay then….

-At Secret Ninja Headquarters-

All Main Characters: (wake up) (are tied to a wall with rope in what looks like a grey brick castle)

Tart: Where are we?

Head Ninja Dude: We are at our secret, underground Ninja Headquarters at the corner of Gugenheimer St. and Polochinatawas Ave. in Switzerland!

Pudding: How secretive of you, giving us the location of your secret ninja headquarters!

Head Ninja Dude: (beams) I know!

Kish: (sweatdrop) Dude, she was being sarcastic.

Pudding: Huh? No I wasn't. He really WAS very secretive, giving us the exact coordinates of his super-secret lair of law-breaking evilness!

Pai: Tart, you've got yourself a smart one there.

Tart: (sighs) (looks at Pudding with adoring eyes) I know she's dumb, but SHE'S SO CUUUUUUUUUTE!

Pudding: (grins) Ain't I just?

All but Pudding and Tart: (sweatdrop)

Ryou: (whispers to Sahra) I have an idea to expose the Head Ninja Dude's true identity.. Cover me, 'kay?

Sahra: 'Kay.

Head Ninja Dude: (is walking underneath the captive TMM peeps)

Ryou: (kicks off Head Ninja Dude's mask) "That was easy." (is put on Staples' payroll to do commercials)

Sahra: **OH MY GOD!**

Ryou: Sahra! What is it?

Sahra: (sweating like crazy and eyes bulging out of head) It's… it's…

Head Ninja Dude: I AM HER FATHER!

Sahra: (has a nervy spaz)

TMM Crew: HER FATHER?

Mint: OMFG SAHRA!

Sahra: What? (is still twitching spastically)

Mint: YOUR FATHER WEARS GLASSES JUST LIKE YOU!

Cast of TMM: (collective scream)

Sahra: No duh. I had to get my poor eyesight from SOMEONE in the family. Anyway – DADDY! HOW COULD YOU HAVE TREACHERIZED YOUR FAVORITE DAUGHTER? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!

Sahra's Dad: I do, Sahra, BUT I LOVE MUSIC MORE! And with the money Mia Ikumi is retrieving from underwater pirate ships that she will give to me to get the TMM cast back I CAN BUY MORE CDs AND RECORDS AND INSTRUMENTS etc. etc. etc.

Ryou: She said she'd send you the money? She doesn't have enough faith in us to get out of this trap, EVEN THOUGH she herself gave us life and powers? THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE!

Sahra: YEAH, TOTALLY!

Lettuce: (whispering to Pai) They're mad at Ikumi-san because she wants to save them? What's wrong with them?

Pai: (sighs) (whispers) They're just very disturbed people, Lettuce. Pay them no mind.

Sahra's Dad: Anyway, I'm hungry. I shall have my slaves bring me some munchies.

Kish: You have slaves? Other than the ninjas, I mean.

Sahra's Dad: Yeah! (whistles)

A bunch of leeeeeeetle elves appear out of nowhere and salute Sahra's dad.

Sahra's Dad: Elves! Bring me something to eat!

Littlest Elf Whose Name Is Georgianodo: Yessir. (scampers off)

Sahra's Dad: YAY!

Georgianodo: (returns) Here's a burger, oh King Under The Mountain.

Mint: That's the Hobbit, idiot.

Sahra's Dad: Well I make them call me that anyway. (takes bite of burger)

Pudding: Hey, Sahra! There's somethin' wrong with your daddy!

Sahra's Dad: (is in convulsions) NO! TREACHERY!

Sahra: What? Dad, wassamatter?

Sahra's Dad: THE BURGER WAS MADE OF MEAT! I – I – I'M A VEGETARIAN!

Pai: (nods) What a healthy way to live.

Sahra's Dad: THE… THE ELVES HAVE MURDERED ME! Sahra… avenge… me…. (dies)

Sahra: DADDY! ANSWER ME!

Sahra's Dad: (plays the role of a corpse from here on out) (does not answer Sahra)

Sahra and TMM Crew: (suddenly discover that they can untie themselves and make it to the floor)

Sahra: (wonders why they didn't realize they could untie themselves before)

Pudding: (does a cartwheel)

Keiichiro: (is whimpering in a corner about Pixi Stix)

Sahra: ELVES! WHY HAVE YOU MURDERED MY BELOVED FATHER-WHO-TURNED-VEGETARIAN-NINJA?

Elves: (back up against a wall) (slowly mush together)

TMM Cast: OMFG! NO. WAY.

Sahra: To sum it all up in three words… ELVIS IS ELVISH?

Scary Theme Music: Da Da DUUUUUUUUUUUUUM…..

Elvis-Who-Was-Once-A-Group-Of-Elves: "Yes ma'm."

Sahra: "You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

Elvis: "I'm all shook up."

Ryou: You should be. When Sahra gets mad, I get mad. And when I get mad, MY EMPLOYEES FIGHT WITH ME!

Kish: …Along with his employee's boyfriends!

Mint: YEAH!

Tart: NOT ME! I ADORE ELVIS!

Pudding: Dude. How lame of you.

Zakuro: Shut up.

Ryou: "No one puts Baby in a corner."

Elvis: "LOVE ME TRUE!"

Sahra: NO! You killed my Daddy with a meat burger!

Elvis: "BLUE HAWAII!"

Tart: That doesn't make sense there.

Elvis: "Okay, coach."

Tart: (sighs) (looks away) And I thought you were my idol…

Sahra: WHY DID YOU KILL MY DADDY WITH A MEAT BURGER?

Elvis: He never liked my music! Never bought any of my records. Never cared about poor little Elvis with his bad haircut and good acting talents.

Pai: You have good acting talents?

Tart: YES HE DOES! ELVIS DOES! REALLY REALLY REALLY!

Ryou: Get used to it, Elvis. We hate you too. We don't care either.

Sahra: TIME TO DIE! (cackles evilly)

Elvis: "Don't step on my blue suede shoes."

Zakuro: Thos ugly things? Don't worry, we will. A lot.

After a long, hard fight, Elvis is tied up, Zakuro is talking to him, Tart is clutching his blue suede shoe like it was the most precious thing on earth, Pudding is poking the shoe, and everyone else is talking amongst themselves about Elvis's lame hair.

Elvis: "Love me tender."

Zakuro: Don't worry, I will. Later. (magically teleports Elvis to her house even though she doesn't have that power)

Across The Room

Tart: (awed) I… have my very own blue suede shoe that Elvis wore on his own foot. Amazing…

Pudding: (wrinkles nose) Eeeeew, smelly shoe. (throws it into random lake that shouldn't be in a castle, but is for this purpose)

Tart: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (dives into lake to save shoe)

Pudding: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (dives into lake to save Tart)

Further Across The Room

Sahra: How much gel does he put into that thing?

Ryou: At least 2 bottles.

Lettuce: I'm thinking 4.

Mint: And what comb could go through that mess?

Kish: I feel sorry for his hairdresser.

Pai: And who decided his hair could be like that? His mother?

Sahra: What a horrible woman.

Group: (nods in agreement)

**-End of Chapter 8-**

_Yeah, I said the trip to Missouri would be concluded, but this chapter is so damn long (10 pages on Microsoft Word) that I have to extend it. Here's a preview:_

Ryou: LET'S GO GET THE MONEY BEFORE IKUMI-SAN!

Sahra: YEAH!

…_and then we get kidnapped by pirates or something. Fun, no?_

_Okay, see you next chapter!_


	9. In which there is shampoo & random crap

_OMG I haven't updated in, like, forever!!! Sorry, and may I present to you Chappie Nine!!_

**Chapter Nine, We Doin' Fine!!**

**Chapter Nine: In Which There Is Shampoo -and, you know, Random Crap! **

Sahra: To summarize all the weird crap that's happened to us in this veeeeeery messed up fic, I beat Masaya, I accuse people, my daddy died because Elvis killed him, and… I'm forgetting something important…

Keiichiro: MY PIXI STIX ARE MISSING!!! WE'RE TRYING TO FIND THEM AND ARE ON OUR WAY TO MISSOURI TO GET THEM BACK!!!

Sahra: Oh, hey, yeah! But that's not what I was thinking of… Oh, I got it!!! Ikumi-san was SO RUDE to us in Chapter Eight, right Ryou?

Ryou: Ohmigod, she so was. I was totally hurt. (sniffs)

Ichigo: Um… why is Ryou acting like a Valley Girl…?

Ryou: Like, ohmigod, I so totally am not, biatch! Ugh, what a retaaaard!! (rolls eyeballs)

Zakuro: I think the little bastard may have gotten into my store of 'Bitchy Model' Shampoo.

Mint: But that stuff makes you HOT, Zakuro-sama, so why isn't Ryou getting hot?

Sahra: Okay, number one, Ryou is SMOKING. And number two… did that sound a little gay, or was it just me?

Pai: I do believe that Mint-san may have switched shampoos with Keiichiro-san—he uses 'Silky Gay Hair' Shampoo.

Sahra: That explains it.

Kish: (is bouncing off the walls) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!! OHMIGOSH, LOOK AT THE MONKEYS!!! THEY'RE BLUUUUUUE!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOH, POLKA-DOTTIES—Why are they even CALLED polka-dotties….?? (stares up at the blank ceiling in confused fascination)

Sahra: Okay, two things again. Where are we that has a ceiling, and does Kish seem a little overexcited to you guys too?

Pai: In answer to your two questions, we are on a new plane that we somehow acquired on our way to Missouri, and Kish-san must have used Tart and Pudding's 'Sweettart' Shampoo.

Kish: SWEETTARTS??? WHERE??? (drools)

Sahra: (looks over at Lettuce, who is in a corner typing on an alien laptop that looks like an iceberg lettuce) Ohhhhh, I see. You and Lettuce must've switched shampoos too, huh? 'Super Alien Genius' and 'Super Human Genius'?

Pai: Yes, Sahra-san.

Ryou: Like ohmigod, why is that computer in the shape of a cabbage?

Lettuce: (without turning around) It's not a CABBAGE, you nitwit, it's an ICEBERG LETTUCE, as our authoress was kind enough to correctly point out. And it's in the shape of a lettuce because I am Lettuce and the authoress likes that kind of lettuce. I would have been happy with romaine, but whatever. When Pai uses it, it becomes a pie, when Ichigo uses it, it becomes a strawberry, and so on and so forth.

Sahra: So what happens if I use it? (takes iceberg lettuce computer)

Lettuce: No! Don't--!

SFX: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeummmmmmmmmmmm….BLEEP! CRSH.

Sahra: Oopsies.

Lettuce: NO!!!!!!!!!! (cradles dead iceberg lettuce) My poor iceberg lettuce laptop!!! Where ever will I find the money to fix you????!!!!

Sahra's Special Affects: LIGHTBULB!!

Sahra: (touches lightbulb and grins) I've got a plan!!

Ryou: Like, ohmigod, what is it?

Sahra: We… we…

Ryou: Like, I see where you're going!

Sahra: You do?

Ryou: Like, totally!

Sahra: Well, go on then!

Ryou: LET'S GO GET THE MONEY BEFORE IKUMI-SAN!!!

Sahra: YEAH!!!! …Wait, what?

Ryou: Like, remember in the last chapter when, like, your dad threatened to, like, totally kill us all unless Ikumi-san gave him, like, a bajillion dollars? We could, like, punish her for not having faith in us, 'cause we like so totally rule, and get the money to fix Lettuce's cabbage in like no time flat!!

Lettuce: ICEBERG LETTUCE!!! (bug eyes)

Ryou: Like, whatev. Gag me with a shovel. (attempts to toss hair, but since it's so short, falls over with effort)

Sahra: (helping Ryou up) Actually, I was going to go rob a bank, but that plan seems like a relatively good one. LET'S DO THIS THINGY!!!!

Everyone except Keiichiro: YEAH!!!

Keiichiro: (watery chibi eyes) Oh, nooooooo, why meeeeeeee…. (twitches from sugar withdrawal)

-Off In The Middle Of The Sea-

Narrator: Our heroes are not in the middle of the ocean on a large pirate ship. No they're not. STOP PRESSURING ME!!!!! (hyperventilates)

Jack Sparrow/Johnny: (reads script) HEY! That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you!

Narrator: Sorry.

CAPTIAN Jack Sparrow/Johnny: Drink rum, me hearties, yo ho!!

Will/Orly: AVAST YE!!!!

SFX: (cricket chirping)

Will/Orly: (sweatdrop)

Lettuce: Sahra, it is not wise to let these two – a drunk pirate and a blacksmith – lead us to Ikumi-san.

Sahra: Yes it is!! Their natural hotness will guide them!!

Will/Orly: Sorry, Sahra, but I'm taken. Remember, I showed up to that movie premier with that mysterious brunette?

Sahra: Don't you even feel a LITTLE justified, cheating on Liz? I mean, she DID make out with Johnny. (nudges) What Kira doesn't know can't hurt heeeeeer…

Captain Jack Sparrow/Johnny: You dirty little minx.

Sahra: (shrugs modestly) I know.

Captain Jack Sparrow/Johnny: I like dirty little minxes.

Sahra: But what if I've changed my mind and am now a shameless vixen?

Captain Jack Sparrow/Johnny: I can go either way.

Sahra: I don't like rum.

Captain Jack Sparrow/Johnny: THEN ON TO TORTUGA!!! (spins wheel dramatically)

Keiichiro: Hey!!! NO!!!! My Pixi Stix are in Missouri, and we're not even following the original plotline to this story anyway!!!

Sahra: …there was a plotline…?

Keiichiro: OH MY GOD, YOU WROTE THE STORY WITHOUT A PLOTLINE?

Sahra: .

…mebbe…

Keiichiro: YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU. OH MY GOD.

Sahra: Well it's not my fault! I can't help it if this story is so random not even I can control it!

Keiichiro: YOU CAN SO. YOU'RE THE ALL-POWERFUL AUTHORESS.

Sahra: (shrugs flippantly) I didn't like the way it was turning out, being so focused on one subject—dude, have you NOT seen the way this story has been progressing? It's waaaaaay out of the norm, even for fanfiction.

Keiichiro: I'm trapped in a world where life itself is not the point.

Ryou: Like, finding your Pixi Stix is just part of the overall randomness, dude.

Sahra: Hey, where'd everybody else go?

Lettuce: (in lifeguard chair) (blows whistle)

Whistle SFX: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!

Lettuce: SHARKS! EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WATER! SHARKS!!!

Section of the Cast That Was in the Water: AGH OMG SHARKS WHERE I DON'T WANNA DIEEE!!! (all climb onto deck) (all look into water)

Zakuro: Holy crap.

Ichigo: ….Sahra?

Sahra: (sharing a banana with Captain Jack Sparrow/Johnny) Eh? Whaddya want?

Keiichiro: SAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAA! OH MY GOD!!! HOW DID YOU NOT CONTROL THIS????

Sahra: (mouthful of banana) Hows did I noft conftrull phwat—(sees what everyone else is seeing) (chokes on banana)

Captain Jack Sparrow/Johnny: (patting Sahra on the back) Oh, does everyone see the giant fishy shark-thing from James and the Giant Peach now? Good, I thought I was drunk.

…Oh wait, I like being drunk. (wanders off in search of rum)

James and the Giant Peach Shark (JGPS): RAWR RAWR RAWR! LET ME GNASH MY WEIRD METAL TEETH AND SMILE MY WEIRD METAL GRIN AND MAKE YOU INTO CANNED FISHY STUFF!!! RAWR RAWR RAWR!

Everyone: AAAH! SO SCARY!

Sahra: (has passed out from banana-choking-ness)

Everyone Else But Ryou who is still a Val: (has passed out from trauma due to the JGPS)

Ryou: Like, ohmigod. A giant shark thingy. (pause) I wonder if I can like totally ride on it. (waves arms and shouts) GIANT CREEPY SHARK DUUUUUDE? ARE YOU, LIKE, FREE WILLY OR SOMETHING? CAN YOU LEAD ME TO CALIFORNIA CAUSE I LIKE SO TOTALLY NEED A TAAAAAN?

JGPS: RAWR RAWR RAWR! I CANNOT GET A TAN FOR I AM METAL! YOUR PITIFUL HUMAN CRAP MEANS NOTHING TO METAL SHARK DUDE! LET ME MAKE YOU INTO DINNER! RAWR RAWR RAWR!!!

Ryou: (sniffles) But, I, like, totally love you.

JGPS: RAWR RAWR RAWR! I AM NOT HOMOSEXUAL!! RAWR RAWR RAWR!

Ryou: (brightly) Then how 'bout I crossdress?

Author's Note: It does not make a difference. If you like boys or even just crossdressing boys, you're still gay. Unless you're a girl, in which case you're my best friend. 

JGPS: RAWR RAWR RAWR! I…. will you do it pretty?

Ryou: You betcha! (flutters eyelashes) Like I could be anything _but_ pretty.

JGPS: RAWR RAWR RAWR! IF YOU CROSSDRESS THEN I WILL LEAD YOU TO CALIFORNIA! RAWR RAWR RAWR!

Ryou: Woot! I like totally love you, Shark Dude! (is suddenly in coconut bra, lei and pink Hawaiian wraparound skirt)

Authoress: As I do not feel like explaining the intimacy issues JGPS and Ryou were having, let me just say they bid each other a tearful goodbye at the coast, and Ryou watched his one true fish-love swim off into the distance. Everyone else was quite thankful to see JGPS go. Johnny and Orly got back on their ship and sped drunkenly off, crashing only once into the same coast that they had left.

Ryou: Like, yay! I can like totally get tan now!

Sahra: Nope! We've got characters from yet another production helping us out now. We're leaving!

Ryou: Like, ohmigod, who's disturbing my tanning time?

Sahra: We're going with Ami and Yumi, of course!

Ami & Yumi: Konnichiwa, Tokyo Mew Mew dudes!

Keiichiro: Ohhhhh, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…. (sobs dramatically)

Ryou: (suddenly snaps out of Val-ness) Um, guys… why do I taste – (moves tongue around) –_ metal fish_ in my mouth? (looks at clothing) YEEK! OHMIGOD, why am I wearing a leopard-print bikini? (covers self up with nearby Barbie towel)

Sahra: (wipes tear from eye) Because it was JGPS's favorite.

Pudding: (sighs) He loved that bikini, Ryopon.

Kish: It was touching, it really was.

Ryou: Um…. I'm just going to wander off and get changed now, okay…? (wanders off into tour bus with normal Ryou clothes)

Ami: If he continues to dress like that, we will have to be supportive.

Kaz: No, girls! A transvestite will ruin your image!

Yumi: Our image is already wacked-out, Kaz. Chill. Go write a new song.

Kaz: Hai, Yumi! What a great idea! I am on my way! (sings badly) French Fries, you smell like French Fries… (wanders off)

Sahra: MOOO!!!!!!!

Everyone: (stare)

Sahra: It's my THING, like "rawr rawr rawr" was JGPS's thing. I say MOO! at random intervals for hilarosity.

Ryou: (back in his normal clothes) You're odd.

Sahra: YES I AM! (beams)

Mint: And we would normally have killed you earlier, were you not the only one who knows where Keiichiro's Pixi Stix are.

Sahra: (cheerfully) Yes I am! And had you killed me, my ghost would have haunted you for eternity!

Lettuce: AAAAAH MY ICEBERG LETTUCE NEEDS FIXING!!

Keiichiro: AAAAAAH MY PIXI STIX NEED SAVING!!

Pudding: AAAAAAAH I NEED SOME LIFESAVERS!!

Tart: Here you go, Pudding.

Pudding: (eats Tart's hand along with Lifesaver)

Sahra: Look, one problem solved!

Keiichiro & Lettuce: AAAAAAAH YOU STILL HAVE TWO LEFT!!!!!

Sahra: Actually, one. We're on our way to get money, remember?

Everyone: (is magically on a moving tour bus)

Lettuce: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Keiichiro-kun. My problem's done.

Keiichiro: But I thought you were going to strangle her with meeeeeeeeee…

Lettuce: If I don't get my money in 2 chapters—which could definitely happen as you are still Stixless after ten chapters—then I'll help you kill her. Okay?

Keiichiro: Fiiiiine… (sulks)

Zakuro: Hey.

Sahra: Hm?

Zakuro: Ami and Yumi have to leave to go to a concert.

Sahra: How cool! Let's go with them!!

Kish: I WILL NOT be infected with GIRL MUSIC on Earth. (shudders)

Kaz: (throws Everyone onto sidewalk)

Ichigo: Noooo! Ami!!! Yumi!!!! Come baaaaaack…!!!

Tour Bus: (runs over Ichigo) (speeds off) (a large cloud of dust comes out of the tailpipe)

Cloud of Dust: (coughs) Jeez, I was in there waaaaaay too long. (hack-choke)

Sahra: No friggin' way…. MASAYA-GHOST?

Masaya-Ghost: Yes! That's correct, that's me.

Kish: Eew. (pulls Mint away from him)

Ryou: Dude, how'd you DIE? I was under the impression we left you tied to a chair some chapters back.

Masaya-Ghost: Well, I'll tell you.

FLASHBACK

Masaya: Mmmf mmmmmmmm! (tied to a chair and gagged)

Sahra: HAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM SO EVIL!

Ryou: Let's just leave him here.

Sahra: That's no fun.

Ryou: Well, we only have half a ton of dynamite here in the corner.

Sahra: Oh my. That's not nearly enough.

Ryou: And we only have 50 rocket launchers – fully equipped – in the other corner.

Sahra: Ohhhhhhh.

Ryou: (wink)

Sahra: (wink)

Ryou: Let me be careless and light a cigarette in this very dangerous room.

Sahra: Let me take that still-lit cigarette from you, because smoking is bad for your health, and throw it on top of that TNT.

Ryou: Let us run out.

Sahra: Let's.

Ryou & Sahra: (run out of warehouse)

Masaya: (is still under the impression that he's just being left there) Mm mm mmmmm—

Warehouse: KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: (is on a plane, leaving)

Masaya: (was forgotten) (is now MASAYA-GHOST!)

END FLASHBACK

Masaya-Ghost: That's how it happened.

Sahra: (laughing)

Ryou: Oh yeeeaaaah, I forgot about that. That was fun.

Zakuro: Serves you right for being so stoopid.

Mint: Hahaha! She called you stoooooooopid!!!! (points and laughs at Masaya-Ghost)

Masaya-Ghost: Well, well…. You're in the middle of nowhere!

Pai: (sarcastically) What an astute observation. We totally didn't know that.

Masaya-Ghost: REALLY? (wide eyes)

Ryou: No. Go away.

Masaya-Ghost: No! I have come to win Ichigo's heart!

Ichigo: (non run-overed) Fat chance.

Masaya-Ghost: But WHY???

Ichigo: Eew, you're a nasty ghost!!! Eew!

Masaya-Ghost: But what if I take a bath?

Ichigo: Then I might consider it.

Narrator: And that is how Machigogo was born!

Machigogo- _n. _the couple Masaya-Ghost and Ichigo. Ma-, Masaya. -Chigo, Ichigo. -Go, Ghost. Machigogo. Also known as Magochigo and Masagochi.

Sahra: MOO! That's just weird.

Kish: I agree.

Lettuce: It's slightly creepy.

Sahra: It's hot… in Topeka.

Pudding & Tart: FOSTER'S!!!! (glomp Sahra)

Pai: WTF? THIS IS SO RANDOM IT HURTS MY LOGICAL ALIEN BRAIN!

Sahra: Crap for you, then.

Pai: Pfft, like anyone reads this garbage.

Sahra: Ex-CUSE me? Have you not seen the FABULOUS reviews I have received on this story? I have been called the queen of comedy!

Pai: If my life is a comedy, you people have NO LIVES.

Sahra: …why do you think we write fanfiction?

Pai: …

Sahra: ON TO… WHEREVER THERE'S WATER IN THIS DAMN COUNTRY!

Narrator: And so, due to the authoress' lack of an attention span, our heroes find themselves on LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK. Mia Ikumi is fishing for pirate treasure in the Long Island Sound.

Sahra: WTF? I've never heard of pirate treasure out there!

Kish: (whispering to Mint) This island seems kind of like a rat hole.

Sahra: (whirls around) (points at him menacingly with a chocolate-covered spatula) Hey, buddy, I live here. Don't make me hurt you for the sin of dissing my island. Got it?

Kish: (nods)

Sahra: Good.

Lettuce: Will we meet any of your family?

Sahra: Um… well, Elvis killed my dad, so you can't meet him… But I guess, if you want to, you can meet my imaginary sister Lucy! Say hi, Lucy! (motions to thin air)

Tart: There's, um, there's nothing there.

Sahra: Hey! She's imaginary, be nice! Just 'cause you can't see her doesn't mean she isn't there!

Pudding: Yeah!

Ryou: _Is _she there?

Sahra: …no…

Pudding: NO!!!! LUCY!!! WHERE'D YOU GO….. (sobs)

Tart: (pats Pudding on the back) Don't you have any other family?

Sahra: Nope!

Ryou: You do so! You have a brother, a sister, a mom and a cat!

Sahra: Thanks a lot. (sigh)

Ichigo: What, are they like horrible or something?

Sahra: (eyes her) I could take you on.

Ichigo: (shrinks back)

Sahra: No, they're not horrible, they're just… _weird_.

Pai: Have you seen yourself recently?

Mint: Have you read this story at all?

Keiichiro: OH MY GOD YOU'RE WEIRD TOO!

Sahra: Thanks!!

All: (anime fall)

Sahra: (huffy sigh) You know what, deal with it. I just asked my mom if you could meet her and she said no. So deal.

Pudding: How'd you ask her?

Tart: You didn't call her or anything.

Sahra: (wide spooky eyes) (does that weird two-finger eye thing) WE'RE… TELEPATHS… (jumps on top of Tart and squashes him) (stands up) (wanders off whistling)

Tart: (squashed lump) ….ow…

Sahra: (whirls around) But guess what? It's your lucky day!!!!

Zakuro: …It doesn't seem to be Tart's…

Sahra: (ignores Zak-chan) Why, you ask? You get to meet my fabulous friend MEGAN and play a game with her called… GUESS THAT COLOR!!!!!!!

Special Effects: YEAH! (poofs everyone into a gameshow room)

Mysterious Unseen Announcer Person: And nowwwwww, the moment we've alllll been waiiiiiiting fooooooor! Here's our host, Ms. Megaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!

Invisible Audience: (cheers)

Nothing: (happens)

Everyone: (notices a sweatshirted lump on the host stand)

Sahra: (taps lump on head) Um, Megan? You're supposed to be all creepily happy like the mysterious unseen announcer person…

Megan (who is indeed the aforementioned sweatshirted lump): Uhrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn.

Sahra: C'mon, ask a question! It'll be fun!

Tart: (un-squishified) Oh joy unbounded.

Sahra: …I really think you like being squished.

Tart: (hides behind Pudding)

Sahra: Megannnnnnnnnnnnn! C'mon, I'll be your assistant so I can keep you from falling asleep.

Megan: (slowly lifts head) Fine. Everyone, see the pink-haired girl over there? (points to Ichigo)

Everyone ex. Sahra & Megan: (looks over at Ichigo)

Ichigo: (looks up) (falls over)

Megan: Okay, now tell me what color the pink-haired girl's hair is.

All: (ponder for a minute) (begin shouting out random answers)

"Red!"

"Blue!"

"Puce!"

"Ick, I hate puce."

"OHMIGOD MY HAIR'S PUCE?!"

"Orange?"

"FUSCHIA!!!!"

"Lavender!"

"Yellow!"

"Yellow Dino? Where??"

"Ohmigod the green and purple one? I love that guy!"

"No, doofus, that's BARNEY. Yellow Dino could totally kick Barney's ass!"

"Nuh-uhhhh! Barney would SO win!"

"They both hate violence! They're against bullies and peer pressure!"

"GREEN!"

"So? It's their alter-egos! They're fighting!"

"OH MY GOD WHERE ARE MY PIXI STIX???"

"My little pony, my little, pony, we'll never be apaaaaaaaaaart….!"

Sahra: (talking to Megan) This is quite amusing, even if they are stupid beyond belief.

Megan: I don't like these guys! We need some Zolu in here…

Sahra: (waves magic spork) Your wish is granted! Lol, Hugh Grant, granted…

Megan: WTF does Hugh Grant have to do with anything?

Sahra: (shrugs) On the outside world, I just watched 'Two Weeks Notice'. Now go watch your Zolu! They're in the other room!

Megan: WOOT! (skips off)

Sahra: Hey, mysterious unseen announcer person, go ahead 'n' do your thing.

Mysterious Unseen Announcer Person: (to Sahra) Thanks. (to the TMM peeps) BEEP! You ALL got it wrong! The correct answer is…. PINK!

Everyone: WTF no way is Ichigo's hair pink!

Ichigo: (tearfully) You mean it's really puce?

Sahra: Okay, as you guys are beyond the Valley of Dysfunctional and climbing the Mountain of Insanely Psychotic – where I live – you guys can meet my brother.

Pudding: WHAT? NO WAY!!!

Sahra: …well, actually, yeah, no way. But he wrote me a letter, see? We can read that!!

Pudding: (shuffles feet) Fine…

Sahra: Okay, Pudding, you can read it.

Pudding: Okies! (takes letter from Sahra) (reads letter) "Sahra—I think you have issues."

Kish: We know she does.

Pudding: "You've come all the way back home because you wanted some damn Pixi Stix."

Keiichiro: Not "SOME DAMN PIXI STIX"!!!! MY PIXI STIX!!!!

Pudding: "So why couldn't you have just bought some more in Japan?"

All: (is quiet)

Sahra: (nervous laughter) Ahahaha! Good one, Ian! (rips letter from Pudding's hands) (burns it with lighter she finds on the ground)

Zakuro: …he's right… why didn't we?

Ryou: I never thought of that…

Keiichiro: That's a welcome thought…

Sahra: Ack! The very fabric of my story is being unraveled because of my stupid smart younger brother!!! NONE OF YOU EVER HEARD THAT!!! (waves magic spork-wand)

Time: (is reversed)

….

Sahra: Okay, as you guys are beyond the Valley of Dysfunctional and climbing the Mountain of Insanely Psychotic – where I live – you guys can meet my brother.

Pudding: WHAT? NO WAY!!!

Sahra: …well, actually, yeah, no way. But he wrote me a letter, see? We can read that!!

Pudding: (shuffles feet) Fine…

Sahra: I'LL read the letter. Ahem. "Sahra—I think you have issues."

Kish: We know she does.

Sahra: "You've come all the way back home because you wanted some damn Pixi Stix."

Keiichiro: Not "SOME DAMN PIXI STIX"!!!! MY PIXI STIX!!!!

Sahra: Blah blah blaaah… "Mom wants you to clean your room." Pft, yeah right! "Not-so-much-love, Ian."

Ryou: (dryly) Isn't he swell.

Sahra: He's OK sometimes… (looks angrily at the letter that caused her all that time business) (burns it up with Johnny's lighter)

Ryou: Time to get to the Long Island Sound!

-Chapter Ends-

_I'm so sorry! I really hope you guys thought this was funny, so the trip to Missouri/the LI Sound is gonna take a while… forgive me?_

_I'll try to write fast!_

…_or not. It's spring vacation. It'll get updated when it gets updated._

Keiichiro: Bitch! Finish the damn story already!!!

Sahra: (smacks him soundly on the head)

Keiichiro: KO'd!

Sahra: Thanks for reading! (beams)


	10. In which there is mucho confusion

For those of you who don't know them, here are the hot guys that will be in today's episode:

Jordan Taylor Hanson: _More commonly known as _Taylor Hanson_. Part of the band _Hanson_, which consists of himself and two of his brothers. Super sexy in his leather pants. Yes, you heard me, he has been known to wear leather pants._

Chad Michael Murray: _He's been in everything, _from One Tree Hill_ (where he has appeared naked) to _A Cinderella Story _with _Hilary Duff

Daniel Jacob Radcliffe: _He plays _Harry Potter_ in the movies, and has recently been cast in the lead role as a really hot naked guy with an erotic fixation on horses in the play _Equus_. COMING TO BROADWAY SOON!!!_

Channing Tatum: _He was in _She's The Man _(funniest damn movie ever) with _Amanda Bynes_ and was also in _Step Up_. He's got nice abs. _

Brad Pitt: _If you don't know who _Brad Pitt_ is, you're not allowed to read this fanfic because you are clearly the stupidest person ever. Seriously. Unless you live in some weird foreign country where no one has ever heard of stuff like _Brangelina_ and _Jennifer Aniston_. Then you can go ahead and read._

David Krumholtz: _Y'all know him. He's in the _Santa Clause _movies as the chief elf _Bernard,_ and plays super genius hottie _Charlie _on the show _NUMB3RS.

Teddy Geiger: _The fabulous singing sensation. His best-known songs are _For You I Will (Confidence) _and _These Walls. _Needless to say, he's really hot._

Authoress's Note: Normally I find Speedos positively repulsive, but I think anyone can make an exception for these guys.

Perhaps not – but whatever.

Sorry if you don't like some of them – I happen to think all of them are HOT.

But unfortunately I own none of them.

So let's start this damn chapter!

Chapter Ten : As The Potato Turns, or THE RETURN OF JGPS

[ba-ba-buuuuum

_(Speedos Not Included)_

Sahra: OHMIGOD! I JUST HAD A FLASH OF BRILLIANTOSITY!!!!

Ryou: (sighs) Stop using the suffixes, please.

Sahra: (ignores him) OHMIGODLINESS! THIS WHOLE CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE SOOOOO COOL!!!!

Keiichiro: (dryly) That could be debatable. Are we getting my Pixi Stix back?

Ichigo: What kind of question is that?

Sahra: Keiichiro, I thought you were smarter than Ichigo – hell, I thought EVERYONE was smarter than Ichigo. But apparently, I was wrong. She bested you in a test of logic.

Ichigo: I… was RIGHT?

Masaya-ghost: Yay Ichigo!

They attempt to high-five, but Ichigo falls through him and gets a concussion and is rendered unconscious.

Masaya-ghost: Hey! I can't lift her up! Help!!!

Sahra: (ignores them) So, yeah, no, we're not getting them. This chapter is an amusing interlude that sets it apart from all other amusing interludes!!!

Pai: You mean, like, the entire story?

Sahra: (brightly) Exactly!

Lettuce: What exactly makes this so special?

Sahra: We're going to use my TIME MACHINE OF FABULOUSNESS!!!!!

Keiichiro: You have one? Great! We can go back in time and see who stole my—

Sahra: (smacks him over the head with a giant cartoon hammer before he can say another word)

Keiichiro: (is lying next to Ichigo with a matching concussion)

Masaya-ghost: WE NEED AN AMBULANCE OVER HERE!

Sahra: (ignores them again) Yeah, so we're going to go back in time to –

Pudding: Meet Houdini?

Sahra: No. Did you know he's supposedly not really dead?

Tart: Meet Willy Wonka?

Sahra: Doesn't exist, dude.

Tart: YES HE DOES! PUDDING WOULDN'T LIE TO ME!!!

Pudding: Ah heh heh…

Sahra: Anyway, no.

Zakuro: Drink beer and be merry with your Irish relatives from Ye Olden Days?

Sahra: NO – Oh, wait, you got it right. Yeah. We're goin' to Ireland, me laddies!

Lettuce: Damn.

Kish: How come we never go anywhere fun?

Mint: Or anywhere with, like, indoor plumbing?

Sahra: Aw, c'mon, don't you want to witness the potato famine firsthand?

All: NO.

Sahra: Well, pack your potato chips, 'cause here we go! (presses a magically-appeared-out-of-thin-air red button)

Zakuro: Oh God.

Lettuce: What—

FX: KASHAWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!! (bright flash of light)

**Setting:** Whenever the Potato Famine Was. In a house. With, y'know, windows 'n' stuff.

Random Girl: Like, ach! Who are you lads and lassies?

Ryou: Sahra, are you sure we're not in Scotland?

Sahra: Well, the only fly in the ointment is that I really don't know how the Irish speak. But I'm part Scottish anyways, so who cares! We're in Scots-Ireland for the moment, even thought they hate each other!

Random Girl: (sighs) Okay, one more time: LIKE, ACH! Who are you lads and lassies?

Zakuro: Imaginary folk from a comic book. You shouldn't be seeing us.

Pudding: YES….. WE'RE PART OF YOUR DREAMS…..

Tart: (waves arms meaningfully)

Random Girl: (blinks) Oh. Okay.

Sahra: What's your name?

Random Girl: Milly O'Farris.

Sahra: Coolio.

Random Manly Voice: MILLY! WHERE ART THOU??

Kish: Great. So we're in medieval Scots-Ireland during the potato famine, even though NONE of these things happened at the same time.

Sahra: (beams) It's a fabulous meld of centuries in one visit!

Milly: (gasps) Achmigod! It's O'Learey! Figments of my imagination, hide!

Sahra: Why?

Milly: He's my fiancée, but I don't love him!

**Short(ish) Summary of the Last Few Episodes of "As The Potato Turns"**

**Milly O'Farris is engaged to Michael O'Learey because of her social status – her parents want them to be married. However, Milly not only dislikes him, she hates him with burning "Passions". Milly is having an affair with her longtime friend, Cail O'Donahue. "The Young and the Restless" have spent many nights planning to run away. One night they attempted to, but Michael caught them and beat Cail up severely. Thankfully the "General Hospital" was open, and Cail still has "One Life To Live", thank God. However, since this incident, Michael never lets Milly out of his sight. The only time Milly ever sees Cail is if she's in the marketplace and Cail happens to "accidentally" roll a wormy potato by her. [Except now there are no potatoes. Now "The Guiding Light" has shown Cail the way, and he's out for revenge against Michael O'Learey!**

Milly: (finishing) …so I don't know if I'll ever see Cail again, even though I love him!

Sahra: Wow.

Lettuce: Do you realize that that story took all of two seconds? Michael still hasn't come in.

Milly: ACHMIGOD! Figments of my imagination that I've confided my tragic tale of woe to, hide!

Cast: (hides behind abnormally large armchair that did not exist in this time period prior to the authoress making it up and adding yet another century to the mix)

Michael: (enters) (looks really hot… IDK picture your ideal hot buff guy in his place, like a hotter and buffer version of Channing Tatum, if such a thing was possible) MILLY! I swear I heard you talking to that scurvy cur Cail O'Donahue!

Mint: (whispering) So, like, is he a pirate or what?

Sahra: (whispers) No, I really just felt like making him say that. (shrugs)

Mint: (sighs) (seems to realize something and opens her eyes wide) Hey. We left Ichigo, Keiichiro and Masaya-ghost behind, didn't we?

Sahra: (nods happily) (rubs hands together in the manner of an evil genius) Yessss… now there is no one to interfere with my fun…

Milly: (kicks abnormally large armchair) No, Michael! I swear! Cail hasn't seen the inside of this house for many moons now!

Ryou: (whispering) Sahra, WTF is happening now?

Sahra: (whispering) She's speaking like a Native American now…. Or, y'know, like they did in the really crap John Wayne movies. But I dunno why. It's just fun messing with this stuff.

Milly: (kicks abnormally large armchair really hard so it flies back against the wall)

Cast: (SQUISHED!)

Sahra: Hay, tis int s'psed ta hapon! Nly I cn sksh peepl[Translation: Hey, this isn't supposed to happen! Only I can squish people! (crampily waves her magic spork)

Armchair: (ricochets off against the opposite wall and settles back in its proper place)

Sahra: (sighs comfortably) There.

Michael: AIYEE! This place be haunted! Milly, come fly with me on my magic dragon-horse and we can get away from this here potato-less place, foshizzle!

TMM Characters: (all look at Sahra) WHAT??

Sahra: (beams) How cool! Michael is a psychotic ghetto maniac! With a dragon-horse!

Milly: No, Michael, this house isn't haunted!

Michael: (raises eyebrows) Did you not just see the flying chair?

Milly: Well, um, it flew, see, 'cause—

Sahra: (leaps out from behind abnormally large armchair) BECAUSE OF ME AND MY FABULOUS MAGIC SPORK! (laughs maniacally)

Michael: (aghast) Suddenly this all makes sense! Why you haven't been seeing Cail and all that jazz! It's because you're gay, isn't it?!

Everyone Including the TMM Cast That Has Just Popped Up From Behind The Abnormally Large Armchair: WHAT???

Milly & Sahra: Um, no. (look at each other) Ew.

Sahra: Although I must compliment you on your very lovely earrings.

Milly: Thanks! I love your hair.

Sahra: Thank you!

Michael: (screaming) WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOOD QUEEN MARKO IS GOING ON????

Ryou: There's a Good Queen Marko?

Michael: Aye.

Ryou: (turns to Sahra) What is this, an alternate universe?

Sahra: Worse. You're in my mind.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Sahra: (ponders) Where's Mel Gibson when I need him?

Mint: Mel who?

Sahra: Gibson! You know – (puts on crap accent) "They can tak our lives, but they cannae tak our freedom!"

All: (blank stare)

Sahra: (sigh) Clearly you do not know the strange wonderful beauty of being a psychotic American.

Zakuro: (to herself) Thank God…

Sahra: (singing with a glazed look) Oh Danny boy, something about pipes something something something, Danny boy, or something!

Michael: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!

Kish: (shakes Sahra) Sahra! Snap out of it!

Sahra: (snaps out of it) Ah yes. Ahem. Well, I don't really know.

All: (glare)

Sahra: What? I can change this story by force of whim alone! For instance… (waves magic spork)

FX: POOF! (large cloud of sparkly poofy dust)

The large cloud of sparkly poofy dust clears, and…

Ryou: JGPS! OHMYGOD!

For indeed, the JGPS is sitting in the middle of a tiny house, even though it's like totally huge and I really don't know how that works out but whatever. The house it tiny, the strange mechanical shark is huge.

Milly & Michael: (freaked out)

Sahra: (giggles) And now for the piece de resistance--! (waves spork)

FX: POOF! (large pink poofy dust cloud) (large pink poofy dust cloud clears)

Ryou: (is dressed in a leopard-print bikini and sarong and is actually wearing blue eyeshadow and has long fake nails painted pink) Like, ohmigod! Sahra, this is like totally bitchin'!

Kish: OHMYGOD! SAHRA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Sahra: (coos) Aren't they so cute together? (beams)

Kish: Sahra, if I ever do anything to offend you ever again, I am so sorry. (bows to her)

Sahra: (waves hand) I don't think Mint will approve of you groveling to me.

Mint: KISHYPOO! WTF ARE YOU DOING?

Kish: (still groveling, but yells back to Mint) DO YOU SERIOUSLY WANT TO SEE ME END UP LIKE RYOU?? A GAY TRANSVESTITE WITH SOME RANDOM ANIMAL FOR A BOYFRIEND???

Sahra: (glowers) I like Ryou that way. You've pissed me off. (waves magic spork)

Kish: NO!

FX: POOF! (pink sparkly poofy cloud)

Mint: NO! KISHYPOO!

Sahra: (rubs hands together) This is gonna be good.

The pink sparkly poofy cloud disappears and reveals… Kish as a woman with huge boobs! Wearing a pink paisley bikini! Painting his – er, her – nails! Kissing a fluffy little white dog! Wearing huge sunglasses! With fake blonde hair!

Mint: K… Kish?

Strange Kishy Person: (looks down at her through sunglasses) Like, I'm _sorry_, lady, that you seem to be so confused. My name _was_ Kish – my name _now_ is Paris.

Mint: (dies of shock and disgustedness)

Kish/Paris: (ignores the dead girl and continues painting her nails) Ry-Ry! D'you want to listen to some music?

Ryou: (is suddenly wearing false eyelashes) Like, totally!

Sahra: (smoothly) Allow me, ladies.

Out of a random Boombox In The Sky comes the unmistakable sound of the smash hit single –

Avril Lavigne: HEY HEY YOU YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

Ryou & K/P: (squeals) Like ohmigod! I love this song!

Avril: YOU'RE SO FINE I WANT YOU MINE YOU'RE SO DELISHUS!

Ryou & K/P: (do awesomely freaky dance routine with a little Thriller thrown in)

Milly: (raises hand) Um, guys? You're still in Ireland.

Sahra: Oh my damn, I totally forgot. (waves magic spork)

Time: (stops)

Sahra: (slowly eats Sloppy Joe)

Sloppy Joe: NO! Why must I be eaten?

Sahra: (doesn't answer and continues eating)

French Guy's Voice That Narrates On Spongebob: 2 HOURS LATER 

Sahra: (waves magic spork-wand)

Everyone: (can move again)

Zakuro: (seems to know what just happened) (dryly) Hungry?

Sahra: (chirpily) Grab a Snickers!!!! (can totally do the commercials)

Milly: Oo

Michael: OO

Sahra: (wipes hands on napkin) Well, I guess now we can get on with the story. (whistles)

Random Hot-Sounding Voice: TRA-LA-LAAAAA!!!!

Milly: (gasps) I know that voice!

Michael: (growls) As do I!

Sahra: (clasps hands together) As does every teenage girl in America! And possibly in Finland.

Out of nowhere, Cail Donahue swings into this strange scene on a vine, wearing nothing but a loincloth!

Sahra: (gasps in pretend shock) (eyes as wide as humanly possible) OH MY GOD! HE'S TOTALLY A TAYLOR HANSON LOOK-ALIKE!

K/P: IN A LOINCLOTH!!!

Ryou: AND, LIKE, TOTALLY IRISHLY HOT!

Sahra: (slaps Ryou) Has Taylor Hanson ever appeared in a way that's less than stellar?

Ryou: Nope.

Sahra: So everyone gets that he's hot without you pointing it out.

Ryou: But I said he's Irishly hot. Do you know if he's Irish or not?

Sahra: …no.

Ryou: (attempts to flick hair over shoulder, but fails) Hmph.

Sahra: But I know someone who does!!! (whips out cell phone) My friend Jamie is an expert on everything Hanson related!

Jamie: (answers the phone) Hey!

Sahra: FLIPPER!!!!!!!! (points to a whale jumping out of a random lake outside the house – except whales don't live in lakes, but whatever)

Jamie: WHAT?

Sahra: Oops, sorry, Jamie. That wasn't for you. Anyway, d'you know if Tay is Irish?

Jamie: Hm….

Sahra: (puts phone on speakermode)

Everyone: (can hear Jamie typing away on her computer)

Jamie: AHA! Jordan Taylor Hanson—

Tart: (screaming) TSUNAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!

Large Wall of Water: (crashes into the house)

Sahra: (has her tsunamiproof cell phone in a death grip)

Everyone: (is washed up on some random beach)

Zakuro: What. The. Fuck. WHERE IS THERE A BEACH NEAR IRELAND??? (is totally spazzing because of all the randomness)

Lettuce: The tsunami was the lake that the whale jumped in.

Pai: The splashback.

Ryou: (points) OHMYGOD! THE TAYLOR DUDE LOST HIS LOINCLOTH!

K/P: OHMYGOD!!!!!

No, my not-so-innocent little fangirls, Cail is not naked. He is now in a Speedo.

Pai: …which doesn't exist in this time period.

Sahra: Aw, who gives a crap what century we're in? We've got a hot guy in a Speedo!

Jamie: HELLO? IS ANYONE THERE?

Sahra: Oh, Jamie, hi. Sorry, I got caught in a tsunami. You were saying?

Jamie: That you are the weirdest person ever.

Sahra: No, about Tay.

Jamie: Oh. Jordan Taylor Hanson –

K/P: OHMYGOD! IT'S CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY AND DAN RADCLIFFE!!!!

The Guys: (are also wearing Speedos)

Sahra: (nearly faints) It's like heaven or something.

Jamie: (annoyed) Can I finish my sentence now?

Sahra: If there aren't any more interruptions.

Jamie: Okay. Jordan Taylor Hanson –

Ryou: (points) EHMIGOD! IT'S CHANNING TATUM AND BRAD PITT!!!

These fabulous hotties also happen to be sporting Speedos.

All The Girls [and K/P and Ryou: (MAJOR STARING)

Sahra: I think I might swoon…

K/P: OHMYGOD! IT'S TOTALLY TEDDY GEIGER IN A SPEEDO!

Sahra: (stares) You'd think someone with skin as fair as his would burn.

Jamie: (screaming into the phone) OHMYGOD CAN I PLEASE FINISH MY GODDAMN SENTENCE WITHOUT YOUR FRIGGIN' RANDOMNESS GETTING IN THE WAY??

Sahra: (rubs ear) Fine, sheesh, go ahead.

Jamie: Thank you. Jordan Taylor Hanson –

Sahra: (cheerfully) – brought sexy back?

Jamie: No, sexy never left him. And I am seriously going to hang up this phone if you don't shut up.

Sahra: Fine.

Jamie: Ahem. Jordan Taylor Hanson is not Irish. He is, in fact, very hot and Dutch.

Sahra: Damn. (hands Ryou five bucks)

Jamie: Why'd you want to know?

Sahra: Just 'cause. Thanks, Jam. Talk to you later chickie love ya byeas! (hangs up phone)

Jamie: (hears dial tone) Screw you, using my fabulous knowledge of Hanson to your advantage. (hangs up) (does not appear in the rest of the chapter)

Sahra: (singing) Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City, I'm a thousand miles away but tonight you look so pretty, yes you do, Times Square can't shine as bright as you, I swear it's true

Milly: What's that you're singing?

Sahra: Huh? Oh, 'Hey There Delilah' by The Plain Whit T's.

Milly: Huh.

Sahra: Hey, y'all wanna know my personal saying at the moment?

Tart: Not really, but go ahead.

Sahra: Harry Potter has gotten hotter, so save a broomstick – ride a seeker. (smiles brightly)

Pai: (buries face in hands) Why, God, why?

Sahra: (nods seriously) Keiichiro asked that very same question. (pauses) But I really need to change that, because at the moment I'm in love with both Sevy and Harry.

Pudding: "Sevy"?

Sahra: Yeah, you know, Severus Snape.

Zakuro: Whatever. Can we please finish this chapter now? This humidity is bad for my hair.

Interestingly, by now Zak-chan has acquired this really unattractive afro-type thing on her head. Who knew her model-ness was affected by things like the weather? NOT ME, THAT'S FOR SURE.

Sahra: Sure… wait, wait, one more random outburst, okay?

Zakuro: (sighs) ONE more.

Sahra: 'Kay…. LOOK, A JEWISH ELF! (points at David Krumholtz)

David Krumholtz: (annoyed) I am not a Jewish elf!

Sahra: (wide-eyed) Suuure… that's what they all say. (stage-whispering to K/P and Ryou) He's Jewish, but he's an elf that works for Santa. How weird is that?

Ryou: Like, totally.

K/P: (eyes him) But totally allowed. Dude's hot.

Sahra: Duh. Like there are any non-hot people in my head.

Ryou: (admiringly) So true.

David Krumholtz: (sighs) (walks away)

Zakuro: (annoyed) You just had a whole random conversation, not just one random outburst. Get on with it.

Sahra: Fine, fine, fine. (to Cail) All right, go on, do your thing.

Cail: MILLY! Run away with me, my darling!

Milly: (gasps in delight) Oh, Cail! (looks at him with adoring eyes) Of course, my darling!

They Both: (do that clichéd running-through-the-meadow crap that's always in the commercials)

There Is: (romantic happy music playing in the background)

Michael: (totally shoots Cail with a gun that does not yet exist)

Cail: (falls down)

Happy Music: (comes to a screeching halt)

Everyone Except Pai, Tart and Michael: OH MY GOD! HE JUST TOTALLY SHOT THE HOTTEST GUY EVER! WHAT THE HELL????

Lettuce: (actually yelling at Sahra) YOU SAID YOU COULD CONTROL YOUR MIND!!!!

Sahra: (totally yelling back) I WAS LYING! DO YOU THINK I WANT THIS DUDE TO GET SHOT? HUH? DO YOU? (to everyone) SHE THINKS I WANT AN INTERNATIONAL POP STAR'S DEATH ON MY HANDS!!! (tearfully) HE SANG SO BEAUTIFULLY, AND HELPED THOSE POOR KIDS IN AFRICA, AND WHATNOT!!! (gasps) Jamie's gonna kill me.

K/P & Mint: QUICK! (drag Sahra into her all-powerful time machine that conveniently washed up on the beach with them)

Time Machine: (goes back in time)

Time: (slow-motion)

Bullet: (is traveling very slowly towards Cail)

K/P: NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo… (dives in front of Cail)

Mint: NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo… (dives in front of K/P and Cail)

Bullet: (totally kills K/P and Mint, but not Cail)

Time: (is normal again)

Sahra: (steps over dead bodies) Phew. Good thing I brought them along to take the bullet.

Milly and Cail: (run off into the sunset)

Michael: (accidentally shoots self in the foot)

Zakuro: (falls in love with him)

They Both: (make out)

The Rest of the Cast: WTF NOW ALL WE HAVE ARE US, A GHOST, A FREAK AND A SCREWBALL CAT! And some guy with anger management issues we barely know, but whatever…

Sahra: (cheerfully) So on to the next chapter!

All: (are transported to normal time)

A Moogle: (jumps in front of the screen)

**-END OF CHAPTER-**

**Authoress: **Sorry to all you Mint and Kish fans.

It was a whim. (sighs)

A whim that gave me a fab idea for the ending of the Caper!

It may be too late in the proceedings for you to tell what's going on, but let's just say that in the next chapter, a few more characters will meet their untimely ends. (laughs mirthlessly) MWAHAHAHA!!!!

Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
